Let Me Ruin Your Childhood
by hevaann
Summary: Your favourite nursery rhymes rewritten to include slash and innuendo. You're welcome.


**Let Me Ruin Your Childhood:**

_These are a collection of nursery rhymes re-written for my Kitty when she was bored on a long journey. They are hardly examples of literary genius, but I hope you don't mind Hx_

**1, 2, 3, 4, 5**

1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

Harry just got out alive

6, 7, 8, 9, 10,

Here comes Voldemort again

Why won't he let it go?

'Cause Harry bruised his big ego

Which date is the next big fight?

Sometime after tomorrow night

**Ding Dong Bell**

Swish, flick, spell

Malfoy's in the well

Who put him in?

Those red haired Weasley twins!

Who'll pull him out?

Harry wants him 'out'!

**Doctor Foster**

Draco Malfoy came in Harry

Thus ending their mad game –

For it broke off mid-coitus

You'd have thought he'd have noticed

And his cock's never been seen again

**Hey Diddle Diddle**

Hey diddle diddle

Harry in the middle

His friends fighting over his glasses

The little things snapped

At the strain of the attack

Now Harry can't see Ron making passes

**Hickory Dickory Dock**

Hickory Dickory Dock

Malfoy's on Harry's cock

He rides it mean

Harry shoots it clean

Hickory Dickory Dock

**Humpty Dumpty**

Draco Malfoy sat on the wall

Draco Malfoy had a big fall

Into the arms of a green eyes brunette

Who said "Slytherin, don't think I'm done with you yet!"

**Incy Wincy Spider**

Incy wincy Harry climbed up the manor wall

Down came a Malfoy to interrupt his fall

"I was only trying to get into your bed"

Malfoy grinned, "I guess the lawn will have to do instead"

**Jack And Jill**

Fred and George went up the hill

To have a game of Quidditch

George lay down upon the ground

And played the part of Fred's bitch

**Jack Was Nimble**

Fred was nimble, Fred was quick

Fred jumped over George's stick

Then to his amazement –

Or was it delight?-

George tripped him up to start a fight

The spells were flung about the room

And a great big crack was the end of the broom

**K.I.S.S.I.N.G.**

Harry and Ginny sitting in a tree

Ginny gives a tiny suck on Harry's big willy

"Don't be shy Ginny, it can't be all that bad,

All your bros have done it –

I've even had your Dad!"

**Little Bo Peep**

Little Harry P. has lost his sleep

And doesn't know where to find it

Leave it to Snape to fill his days

And then take the nights, the git

**Little Boy Blue**

Oh please Ron Weasley

Come blow Harry's horn

Draco Malfoy's in Prison

And he stole Harry's porn

"How about Hermione?

I'm sure she'd find it fun"

"Don't be silly Ronald –

Harry likes it up the bum!"

**Little Jack Horner**

Little Harry porner

Sat in the corner

Reading all his dirty magazines

He fingered his wand –

What a thing to have done! –

For now it's got caught in his jeans

**Little Miss Muffet**

Grumpy Sir Snape sat down on a snake

While mixing a potion away

The snake tried to bite him

But Snape doesn't frighten

So guess what's for breakfast today?!

**Mary Had A Little Lamb**

Malfoy had a little lamb

With fleece as black as night

Its knees a little knobbly

And its green eyes very bright

It was very good for cuddles

And liked pumpkin pasties best

But Malfoy would turn Harry back

Before attempting sex

**Pop Goes The Weasel**

Half a pound of pumin pie

A tart full of treacle

Two dozen Butterbeers

And POP goes Ron Weasel

**Rub A Dub Dub**

Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub

And who do you think they be?

There's Fred and there's George,

Beneath the bubbles of course,

Both taking care of Harry

**Sing A Song of Sixpence**

Sing a song of Quidditch

A Quaffle in the sky

Four and Twenty broomsticks

Flying way up high

And when the game was over

The crowd began to sing

"The party's on 'til 2am

'Cause Weasley is our King!"

**There Was A Little Girl**

There was a superstar

Who had a little scar

Right in the middle of his forehead

When he was bad it was very very rare

And when he was good he was exhausted

**Twinkle Twinkle (I)**

Scurry scurry little rat

Now we know just where you're at

All across this map so crafty

We see you running like a dafty

So scurry scurry all you can

We all see that you're a man

**Twinkle Twinkle (II)**

Twinkle Twinkle Wormytail

We all know you're one big FAIL

You're a perv – it has to be said

For you spent those years in Ronniekins bed

**Two Little Dicky Birds**

Two little Gryffindors sat upon the lawn

One doing homework, one reading porn

"We could help each other, don't you think?" Said Ron

Harry threw the book at him "Will you stop trying it on!"

**Wind The Bobbin Up**

Winding Malfoy up, winding Malfoy up

Flirt, flirt, kick, punch, whack

Wind him back again, wind him back again

Hex, curse, slap on Harry's lap

Eyes to the ceiling, arse on the floor

Will out the window, hate out the door

Bring them both together 1, 2, 3,

Soon Malfoy's due a Potter baby


End file.
